That day they gave Pam an IV drip of antibiotics in case the pleural effusion was a result of infection according to her nurse. Wow! That was the first time they even acknowledged it as a possibility. Still, all of the doctors were saying that the lupus had apparently spread to her brain. On the surface this seemed plausible because of the seizure. Still, nobody acknowledged that severe dehydration might account for Pam's initial seizure... the only one I was present for.

When Pam first went into the Critical Care unit, I was told I could stay there but that I would not be able to sleep in her room. Suddenly that night the nurse was chasing me out at approximately 10 pm. I had been allowing Pam to sleep all she could during the whole hospital visit, and I was actually helping Pam and the nurses. While Pam slept, I would read or write. Pam appreciated my being there and that was all I cared about.

I found a hotel that my sister said she would help me pay for, and at 1:15 am I got a call from a doctor at Lahey. Pam had just had another seizure or so it appeared. The doctor said the bed motion monitor went off and her blood pressure and her heart rate increased and that it lasted for about a minute. When I was obviously not convinced that Pam had a seizure based on their vague story, Dr. Chin (Chen?) then added that they found Pam with her eyes rolled up to the right in the position indicative of a seizure. Oh!!! Well, in that case!!! Even though the doctor told me I did not need to come back to the hospital, I wanted to be there for Pam when they told her she had another seizure. I did not want her to be alone and afraid. I don't know when they told her, but she found out while I was not with her.

Elena Bortan, the neurologist, just happened to be right there in the next room when Pam had her seizure, as well as one of Pam's internal medicine doctors, and they decided she needed a stronger anti-seizure medicine. They gave Pam Dilantin in three "loading doses" spaced two hours apart. I missed the first dose. Guess what? Dilantin burns like HELL. Pam was trying hard not to scream as they administered it to her. After the second dose, Pam's new IV line was toasted. They could not insert water through that line because her skin was so burned from the drug, presumably Dilantin, that they gave her through that line and the line had only been used twice for the two loading doses of Dilantin. (I also learned from a nurse in a cancer ward that if she had diluted the Dilantin first, it would not have burned. Umm, Elena? THANKS for that compassion!!!) At any rate, the Dilantin sounded an awful lot like chemotherapy! And guess what? It was two weeks to the day that they gave Pam the HIDA test!

Speaking of which, had I not returned to the Lahey Clinic that night, would Pam have been given something to forget the pain induced by those horrific 'loading doses of Dilantin'? Would I have never known what was done to her that night had I not come back which is what the doctor tried to discourage me from doing? Is that how they gave Pam Rituxan while she was at Brockton Hospital - in the middle of the night that she was in germs free isolation accompanied by drugs that ensured she would not remember the details later?)

Meanwhile, the Lahey Clinic did a lot more tests and monitored Pam closely. Even after she was finally allowed back in a regular room, they told me that I could not stay with her this time. They were not about to let me get the foothold back that I had before. They enjoyed their unlimited access to Pam during the wee hours I am guessing.

Four days after her grande mal seizure and threee days after Pam received the 'loading doses of Dilantin', something strange happened. I was told they were taking Pam for an MRI, but they premedicated her with Ativan first. So I read up on Ativan and that was when I learned that it was a hypnotic sedative. Within five minutes of her receiving the Ativan, Dr. Courville appeared to check on her. He said he was not aware that they were taking her for another MRI in just a few minutes. The Ativan had kicked in almost immediately, and here is Dr. Courville asking her questions and testing her responses while ostensibly testing her memory of the past week. She appeared to be so out of it that I was surprised she even remembered her name. I know about hypnosis and once I realized what Ativan was capable of, it all clicked into place. He was checking to see how deeply she was under. Wherever they were about to take Pam, he wanted to make sure she was properly 'prepped' first.

His asking her those questions gave me an idea. As a test, I decided to see how suggestible she was while under the influence of Ativan. I waited until Dr. Courville left and then I started asking her questions. Oh my! Even though she looked asleep, she readily answered all of my questions. I could have asked her anything and she would have answered it. It was a level of suggestibility I had never seen before. Pam left for the MRI within 15 or 20 minutes of taking the Ativan. I later asked Pam what she remembered of the MRI and she said she thought she slept through it all. How hard would it have been to use the nuclear medicine machine on her and later claim that it was an MRI? After all, I was not allowed to go with her for whatever test they gave her, and she was drugged.

Ativan, like Versed, can cause "transient amnesia". Since she would have known the difference between an MRI machine and a nuclear medicine machine, it would obviously be important for them to ensure that she did not remember the details. In addition to that, I was in the room for the HIDA test. They knew that I was staying very much involved in her care and remaining aware of what was going on as best as I could. Therefore, it would also be important that she not remember in order to prevent her from saying too much to me. By giving her the Ativan and ensuring she was sufficiently drugged that she would not remember what transpired later, they were able to give her any test they wanted. She certainly did not remember that I had asked her the questions I did while she was under the effects of Ativan. And yes, I told her what I had done and asked her about her recollections of it later.

There was something else really weird that I noticed about myself - one of my nights in the hospital with Pam I woke up with bruise marks which perfectly matched finger imprints as though someone had gripped me real tight. That night they were on my upper arm and the next day similar bruises appeared on my wrist. Pam saw them too.

The Lahey Clinic finally allowed Pam to leave after a great deal of abuse in the name of tests. I was not about to breathe a sigh of relief until we were past the doors and on our way. I had seen what a gentleman's handshake meant there, and I knew these were no gentlemen. By the time Pam was released, she had developed diabetes as a result of the steroids and had to monitor her blood sugars and give herself insulin as needed. Ironically enough, the same cousin who underwent chemotherapy also required high doses of steroids as part of the treatment and developed diabetes as well.

The same week that Pam left the hospital, she spoke with someone (a mechanic?) who seriously thought she had been abused based on all of her bruises. He told her that she did not have to take it. Unfortunately it seems like she does, at least for the moment.

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